Second Chances

Dear Lorenzo,

Right now it's 8:06 p.m. and I'm wide awake, talking to you, and NOT watching TV.

This is progress.

I don't want to be unhappy anymore.

Yesterday was tough because it was a day of realizations.

There are so many things to miss about you. I miss feeling your arms wrapped around me in the middle of the night. I miss screaming at you to turn the music down when I'm trying to get Amira to sleep. I miss your over-the-top exuberance every time the Bears won a game. But I think I've spent so much time vacillating between denial and depression that the reality of single motherhood is only now starting to sink in.

You've been gone for over two and half years.

I no longer have the luxury of depression.

I can no longer afford to just sit around the house missing you. Missing you does not pay the bills. Missing you does not secure financial freedom for Amira and I.  I have to do that. I have to figure out a way to make a life, a LIVING and a future for our family.

Burying myself in comforters and getting lost in the game show network is no longer an option for me. I am now the sole breadwinner and so despite what both of our mothers say, I have to hurry up and get a full time job. Not just a job, a career.

But this time around, I'm going to choose a career I really love.

Last Fall, I went to an information session at Depaul University and they have a creative writing/teaching program that I fell in love with.

And so I'm going to apply.

Lorenzo, I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I don't want to keep shooting down my dreams before I've even given them a fair chance. I want to see if I can find a way to make a career for myself doing the only thing I've ever actually loved. I want to figure out if it's possible for me to be happy again, even though you're no longer here. And I want to show our daughter that even when life kicks the shit out of us, it's never too late to get back up and try again.