R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Dear Lorenzo,

It's 11:25 p.m. and I'm up, watching The Goldbergs and waiting for the Tylenol PM to kick in.

Having started my day at around 5:00 a.m., I am completely exhausted. It's Sunday, so there was no earthly reason for me to be up at that time, except for the fact that I'd had a bad dream and was loath to return to it.

Last night I dreamt that you had been gone for a really long time, before coming home, unannounced, to Amira and I. Instead of being happy that you'd finally returned, we were frantic, maniacally trying to clean an upended house in the fruitless attempt to convince you that all was as it had once been.

I woke up feeling...dejected. Not because it was just a dream and there's no chance of you coming home again but...because, I truly believe that if you could see me now, you'd be nothing but disappointed in me and that breaks my fucking heart.

Sometimes...most of the time, I'm ashamed of how far I've fallen since losing you. It's not like I'm a drug addict or a child abuser or anything like that but...I've spent so much of the past few years curled up in a ball, trying to pretend you weren't gone that...I let a lot of life pass me by. I'm working hard not to be that person anymore. I spent weeks getting my resume together, registering with various temp agencies, and even worked an assignment over the holiday season (my first PAID job since having Amira!) I'm applying to grad school for the Fall, am back to working out every, single day and am beginning to tackle the emotional eating I've used to fill the hole in my heart that's developed since you've been gone. I know I'm not where I was when you first left us but...I also know I have a long way to go.

The good news? After "indulging" in an all day pity party, I eventually woke up. I did a load of laundry, got on the elliptical machine, and finished my squats and lunges while talking Oscar fashion with your mom.

I fell down today but I didn't stay down and that's a pretty big victory for me.

The thing is, I may be right. You may be looking down on me right now with disgust and anger at who I've become but...I'm doing my best to get my life back together again. I may not be exactly who I was when you were here but...I'm still a good person who's trying my damnedest to raise a smart, compassionate, self-possessed, African-American woman, and despite my many flaws, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I love you, Lorenzo, I always will but no matter how much I want to make you proud, the opinion that will always mean the most to me...has got to be my own.