Right now it's 10:01 p.m. and I'm sitting here, watching The Goldbergs on mute, while I wait for a restless Amira to settle down and fall asleep.
I'm just going to go ahead and say the thing we're not supposed to say.
Motherhood fucking sucks.
I have never understood why anyone would actually want to become a parent. Choosing a lifetime of perpetual worry didn't make sense to me when I was in seventh grade, defending my right to become an unmarried, childless adult to the likes of Nadine Simmons and our fellow shocked junior high classmates, and it doesn't make sense to me now, as I sit here listening to the sounds of fidgeting that are coming from our supposed-to-be-sleeping child.
I don't think I've had seven consecutive hours of sleep in the ten years since she's been born.
If I have a one dollar bill you can bet your ass that at least 75 cents will be spent on something she wants, needs or shows the slightest amount of interest in.
There are no more impromptu weekend getaways with my girlfriends; no more adults only Superbowl cruises to Mexico; no more...no more...aw hell, those are the only two examples I can come up with right now because the truth is, I can barely remember what life used to be like when I was still Khadija Jamila Brewington and not just Amira's mom.
But...
Oh how I love our daughter.
Until I became a mother, I literally did not know that it was possible to love another human being the way that I love my child. When she's sick I pray to God to take away her pain and give it to me instead. When she is sad, I cry with her, heartbroken to see her hurting. Amira is the true blue love of my life and I don't know a single mother who doesn't feel this exact same way about their child.
Even now that she has become a moody, pre-pubescent, nightmare of a ten year old, she is still my reason for getting out of bed every morning and for not downing a bottle of prosecco every night. She is the reason I read personal development books like The Slight Edge and Start Late, Finish Rich, and the reason I am so determined to get my life together at long last.
Lorenzo, while you were here with us, you took care of everything outside of the home. I didn't have to worry about bills being paid or food being put on the table because, as you put it, that was your job as the man of the house. But now that you're gone it's up to me to take care of our daughter and I promise you this: I am up to the challenge.
Because even though motherhood is the absolute worst job in the world, somehow, it is also the best. I don't remember much about the Superbowl cruise but I remember every moment of Amira's first steps. I remember the first words she read to me from her P.D. Eastman and Dr. Seuss books. I remember the first time I saw her perform in Phantom Tollbooth, her lines perfectly delivered, her face lit up with happiness.
Amira Kenya Douglas is the best gift you could have ever given me. She's the reason why you don't have to worry about me anymore. She's the reason why I'm going to be okay.
Even now that she has become a moody, pre-pubescent, nightmare of a ten year old, she is still my reason for getting out of bed every morning and for not downing a bottle of prosecco every night. She is the reason I read personal development books like The Slight Edge and Start Late, Finish Rich, and the reason I am so determined to get my life together at long last.
Lorenzo, while you were here with us, you took care of everything outside of the home. I didn't have to worry about bills being paid or food being put on the table because, as you put it, that was your job as the man of the house. But now that you're gone it's up to me to take care of our daughter and I promise you this: I am up to the challenge.
Because even though motherhood is the absolute worst job in the world, somehow, it is also the best. I don't remember much about the Superbowl cruise but I remember every moment of Amira's first steps. I remember the first words she read to me from her P.D. Eastman and Dr. Seuss books. I remember the first time I saw her perform in Phantom Tollbooth, her lines perfectly delivered, her face lit up with happiness.
Amira Kenya Douglas is the best gift you could have ever given me. She's the reason why you don't have to worry about me anymore. She's the reason why I'm going to be okay.
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