Freedom

"Take my pride, I can still survive, I got my freedom.

Strip me bare, don't got a thing to wear but I got my freedom."

Karmina

Dear Lorenzo:

It's been almost 2 years now and I still can't sleep. Not without a few glasses of wine or a couple of Tylenol PM. Or edibles and repeats of Brooklyn 99. I can no longer sleep without the distraction of television. Not without new episodes of Beat Bobby Flay or Worst Cooks in America playing so quietly in the background that I can barely make it out over the sound of Amira's light snoring. 

Daytime is far easier to handle. I wake up and get Amira off to school. I do laundry, cook dinner, and workout. And then I pick  Amira up and take her to theater class or to the park, before heading home to get her fed, bathed and in bed by a reasonable hour. 

And while she sleeps, I am truly and utterly alone. There is no one to take care of while Amira is sleeping. No one to fuss over. No homework to double-check, no board games to play, no orange juice to pour and then, to mop up after she inevitably spills that first glass.

There is safety in the daily routine of our lives.

But in these moments, these nighttime hours, there is only me.

Being with you sometimes felt as though as I were wearing an oversized, itchy, sweater that I couldn't quite shrug off. It could be overwhelming, all-encompassing and oftentimes, unbearable. I wanted us to complement each other while you wanted us to morph into one identity. But despite your best efforts, I had no interest in becoming Brangelina. And even now that you're gone, when time and distance has inaccurately colored so many of my memories a happy, verdant green, I still know that that particular brand of relationship was never right for me.

Earlier this afternoon a friend asked me if I'd begun dating yet and my first response was an awkward, self-conscious laugh. It's been 2 years now, should I be dating again? I'm not so sure but I've been giving the matter some thought ever since that talk this afternoon and here's what I've come up with. My TOTAL lack of interest in dating isn't just because I loved you so much then and still love you so much now. It isn't only because I have zero interest of bringing another man around my daughter. It's mostly because as lonely as I am tonight, in this exact moment...it's MY turn now. It's my turn to focus on MY goals, MY interests, MY...ME. And while I KNOW that there are plenty of people out there who are in happy, successful relationships, while still maintaining their own identity and sense of self, I wasn't able to do that while I was with you. And that isn't your fault, it's just the truth. And I'm not ready to attempt that balancing act again. At least not anytime soon. So for now...I'll hang on to the memories of our life together. I'll cherish the good and do my best to learn from the bad. And I'll enjoy the freedom of NOT being part of a couple right now.

And I'll do my best to fall in love with me.