Lonely

Dear Lorenzo,

I miss being loved.

There.

I said it.

That wasn't so hard to admit.

I miss being loved and cared for.

I miss not being alone.

I miss having someone to come home to who isn't ten years old.

I miss having someone to whom I can complain about my day.

I miss having someone to be mad at for blasting the music too loudly when I'm trying to get Amira to go to sleep. Or for not letting me eat one bite of movie theater popcorn until after the previews have ended and the movie has actually begun. I miss listening to your long ass lectures on the merits of veganism, and your mean-spirited gossip with my mom about every single one of our friends.

I miss your not being here to watch our daughter grow up.

I miss the way, eight years into our relationship, your arms still wrapped themselves around me each and every night. I miss the way you'd wiggle your eyebrows at me and say, "Mommy Daddy time" whenever we got five seconds to ourselves. I miss the way you laughed with your entire being, often falling off of whatever you happened to be sitting on, inevitably making me laugh right along with you.

I miss the way you'd order three different meals at The Diner, and then have the nerve to get mad at me for "wasting money" on the chicken ranch salad. I miss banging on the bathroom door and shouting at you to hurry up. I miss listening to you talk to Dwight about Madden, or the NFL, or how much money you'd each won (or lost) in Vegas. I miss hearing Amira call out, "Daddy?" and your response of, "Daughter?" each and every time.

I wonder how long it'll be before I stop missing you this acutely. I know I'm nowhere ready to be in a relationship with anyone else yet but...I wonder how long it'll take before I no longer feel like I'm in a relationship with you.  

Because no matter how much I miss you, Babe, I also miss having someone who is...tangible, who I don't have to communicate with via letters that I can never actually mail. I miss having someone who is here. I miss having someone to want to look pretty for.

I miss not being alone.