Back To Life

"I want my mullet back, my old Camaro and my eight track."

Robbie Ray, as seen on Hannah Montana

Dear Lorenzo:

I'm lonely.

And scared.

And tired.

Really, really tired.

And stressed the hell out.

There.

I said it.

That wasn't so bad.

And it only took two years and seven days to wake up.

I miss you but that's not all of it.

I miss my old life.

I miss not having to worry so much. 

I worry all the time now.

I worry about Amira and I worry about your mom.  I worry about single parenthood and about whether or not I'm doing a good enough job. I worry about going back into the workplace after spending the past ten years as a stay at home mom. I worry that working outside of the home will be another adjustment that Amira will have to add to an already full plate of crappy adjustments. I worry about my work schedule conflicting with school plays and dance recitals. I worry about not being able to take her to theater class after school anymore. I worry about field trips and class parties. Bullying and peer pressure. I worry, and worry, and worry, and worry, and worry.

And when I'm done with all of that worrying, I go to bed. 

Alone.

I miss you.

I miss your presence. I miss not being afraid at nighttime. I miss not repeatedly checking to make sure all of our doors and windows are locked. I miss hearing you argue with Dwight about Madden or an upcoming game. I miss laughing with you and fighting with you and all the fun of making up.

I miss you.

And for the first time in two years and seven days...

I'm lonely.

I think between the grief, shock, antidepressants, and, let's keep it real here, self-medicating, I haven't really FELT anything for a long time. When friends have asked if I'm interested in dating yet I've always laughed and thought to myself, "How can I date, I'm completely dead inside." 

But I'm starting to feel not so dead anymore. I'm starting to feel...sad. And lonely. And loss. Somehow I lost you. And it sucks.

I don't know what comes next for me. Work, grad school, I have no idea but...I'm not dead inside anymore. I'm sad, and scared and lonely but that's real. So...okay. 

Feeling sad and scared and lonely will have to do for now.

I'll figure the rest of it out as I go along.