Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me

"There's just me. One is the magic number."

Jill Scott

Dear Lorenzo,

It's 5:57 a.m. and under normal circumstances, I would just be getting out of bed at this time, but my asthma's been kicking my ass all night so I've been up, and uncomfortable, for the past few hours. Amira's still sound asleep and the entire house is still dark and quiet so I figured this would be the perfect time to write.

Since you've been gone I've done my best to make up for what our daughter has lost. It isn't possible to replace you of course, but I've done everything I can to lessen her pain. We talk about you as much, or as little, as she needs in any given moment. When she wants to be distracted I take her to the movies, museums, or play dates at the park. When she wants to feel her sadness, I hold her in my arms and let her cry. Nighttime is still rough. Afraid to be alone in the dark, she sleeps in my bed with me. On weekends, before we've made our plans for the day, while I'm still cleaning the kitchen or doing the laundry or on the ellliptical, she follows me from room to room, not letting me out of her sight. She is aware of her anxieties and she hates them. She's in therapy and has learned to journal her feelings or to talk to me whenever the need to vent arises. I spend a lot of time telling her that her feelings, her fears, are perfectly normal and that she is going to continue to heal. I do everything that I can to make her feel safe.

I spend a lot of time being her mom.

There is no one or nothing on this planet that I love more than my child but...

It is exhausting.

I am exhausted.

Writing replenishes me.

Always has.

I've written my way through the hardest periods of my life. M.S., losing my dad, new motherhood, and now losing you.

I know that I have to start taking care of myself again. I have to care for myself as diligently as I care for our daughter. I have to write and get some form of exercise daily. I have to take a multivitamin and my MS drugs, daily. I have to reach out to friends and family, meditate, eat and sleep well, DAILY. Not just when I remember. Not just when I feel like it, or when I'm in a good mood. I have to take care of myself every fucking day. I can't continue to come last on my own list.

If I do not take care of myself, I will not be able to take care of our daughter and that is NOT an option for me.

So babe, I'm committing to you, to Amira and to myself that I will make my own well-being a priority in my life again. I will do my best to get enough sleep at night. I will continue to work out and write. I will keep binge-inducing junk food out of the house and instead keep the fridge and pantry stocked with the fruits, veggies and healthier treats that I love and can eat moderately.

I will cut way back on alcohol and join Amira in her nighttime meditation.

I will do my best from here on out to take care of me again.