Do You Know What Today Is?

Happy Anniversary, Babe.

10 years ago today we fell in love.

We were supposed to be together forever, we would have been together forever, bickering and driving each other CRAZY, if not for the drunk driver who took you away from me.

I don't remember how I spent our last anniversary.  I know I wrote about you, but the rest of the day is a blank.  I'm willing to bet I spent a good deal of time on the couch, watching ESPN and blotting out your memory with potato chips and Mike and Mike In The Morning.

But I didn't do that today.

I got up, took Amira to school, then went to Target to get her a new pair of sneakers.  I came home and had a salad for lunch, before folding and putting away at least four bags of clean clothes.  I picked Amira up from school, brought her to theater class, then went to the Pick Me Up Cafe to get her chili for dinner.  After theater, we went to Open House at her school.  We talked to her teachers, toured her classrooms, then came home and had dinner while watching The Thundermans.

I didn't binge eat my way through the day.

I didn't attempt to blot out the memories with television.

I didn't have a glass of wine with dinner, or a Heinekein while watching the Bears game (they're playing at Lambeau tonight; even you would have bet against them).

Lorenzo, I'm ready to move on.

Not from you, not from us, but I'm ready to let go of the grief.  I'm ready to say goodbye to the past and start looking forward to the future.  It won't be the future we planned together, I've finally accepted that. We're not going to get a condo in Vegas and spend our summers there with Dwight and Danielle. We're not going to grow old and fat together.  You will never get the opportunity to convince me to have another child, and we won't ever have the threesome I once promised you if we ever made it to our ten year anniversary.    

Instead, I'm going to have to create a new life without you.

One of the things I HATED most about you was the relentless way you pushed me to be perfect. You could never just accept me for who I was. The Khadija I am today, the Khadija I was 10 years ago was never good enough for you. I resented you for that. I resented the way you tried to turn every single moment into a life lesson. I resented your lectures, I resented your unasked for opinions, and I resented the amount of control you attempted to exert over my life.

Like every other couple on the planet, we had our fair share of problems, but now that you're gone...I find myself replaying some of the lessons you tried to impart upon me. Now that you're gone I find myself missing that unsolicited advice. In 42 years, no one in my life has ever pushed me the way that you did.

In 42 years, no one ever believed in me the way you did either.

And I miss that.

I miss you.

But now that you're gone, now that I'm healing, I'm finally ready to believe in myself.  I finally get what you'd been trying to teach me all along. You were right. With hard work and determination I really can do anything I set my mind to. Absolutely anything. I finally get the lesson you tried to teach.  And that realization is probably the best anniversary gift I could ever give to a natural born teacher like yourself. 

Except of course for the threesome, but alas, that ship has sailed.  :-)

I love you.

Happy Anniversary, Babe.