Dear Lorenzo,
It's 11:26 p.m. and like most nights, insomnia has rendered me sleepless so right now I'm up, half-heartedly watching The Goldbergs (you would've liked it) and waiting for the melatonin to kick in.
Nighttime is still hard. Brutally fucking hard. I don't usually get lonely until night falls.
Normally I'm too busy to be lonely. And even if I'm not busy, I find ways to occupy my time, to fake having a life, to ignore the nagging emptiness that sometimes threatens to pull me under. But at nighttime, when Amira's asleep, before the melatonin or Tylenol PM knocks me out...it's hard to pretend I'm not alone.
But, two years, three months, and five days since you've been gone, I'm beginning to see light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Today was a rainy, dreary Wednesday and since Samaiya called me this morning and offered to take Amira to school, I had absolutely no reason to leave the house. Two years ago, I would have put on ESPN, curled up on the futon, and not gotten up again until it was time to pick up Amira and take her to theater but today...
Today, I got off of my ass and got to work.
I washed and twisted my hair, cleaned my house, warmed up on the trampoline for two minutes before working out on the elliptical for 45. I had a big salad for lunch and an apple for a snack. I didn't curl up in a ball and pretend the world didn't exist until my alarm went off at 2:00 p.m. I didn't eat my weight in potato chips or have a glass of wine (or two or three) with dinner in an effort to forget.
I didn't let depression win on a rainy, dreary Wednesday.
I didn't let depression pull me under.
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Going With My Gut
Dear Lorenzo,
In my quest to return to the land of the gainfully employed, I've spent the past few months registering with various temp agencies. I'd wake up, get the kid off to school, shower, get dressed in the one and only work appropriate outfit I still own, and then haul ass to whatever downtown temp agency was on the schedule for that day. Meeting recruiter after recruiter, and attempting to explain to them why they should hire me after my ten year hiatus from the work place was fucking exhausting. So you can probably imagine my relief when Danielle said she might have a job for me. After giving her my resume I first had a phone interview and then an in person interview with her boss. And today, exactly one week after that two-hour, six-person group interview I FINALLY received an email back from the hiring manager.
I didn't get the job.
I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I am.
Don't get me wrong, had I gotten the job I would have made the best of it. I would have loved working with Danielle. I would have loved taking the train into work with Heidi after we dropped the kids off at school. I would have loved having a legitimate reason to go downtown every day. I would have loved the money, the benefits, the security. Being able to help your mom out financially. Being able to pay for whatever we need without worrying as much as I do. I would have loved feeling useful again.
But...
I wouldn't have loved the panic I'd feel calling out from work every time Amira's asthma flared up. I wouldn't have loved scrambling to find someone not only willing to pick her up from school every day, but also willing to take her to play production four days a week. I wouldn't have loved not being able to chaperone school field trips or attend class parties. I wouldn't have loved not being able to volunteer for school picture day, or for Fiesta de Arte, or to help bring the kids from their classrooms to the first floor conference room to have their vision and hearing tested once a year.
And I wouldn't have loved not being able to visit my mom as often as we do.
I guess being an associate in new market development just isn't the right job for me.
And that's okay.
Because I already have my dream job, and unbelievably enough, it's being Amira's mom.
And right now, that's the job that has to come first.
In my quest to return to the land of the gainfully employed, I've spent the past few months registering with various temp agencies. I'd wake up, get the kid off to school, shower, get dressed in the one and only work appropriate outfit I still own, and then haul ass to whatever downtown temp agency was on the schedule for that day. Meeting recruiter after recruiter, and attempting to explain to them why they should hire me after my ten year hiatus from the work place was fucking exhausting. So you can probably imagine my relief when Danielle said she might have a job for me. After giving her my resume I first had a phone interview and then an in person interview with her boss. And today, exactly one week after that two-hour, six-person group interview I FINALLY received an email back from the hiring manager.
I didn't get the job.
I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I am.
Don't get me wrong, had I gotten the job I would have made the best of it. I would have loved working with Danielle. I would have loved taking the train into work with Heidi after we dropped the kids off at school. I would have loved having a legitimate reason to go downtown every day. I would have loved the money, the benefits, the security. Being able to help your mom out financially. Being able to pay for whatever we need without worrying as much as I do. I would have loved feeling useful again.
But...
I wouldn't have loved the panic I'd feel calling out from work every time Amira's asthma flared up. I wouldn't have loved scrambling to find someone not only willing to pick her up from school every day, but also willing to take her to play production four days a week. I wouldn't have loved not being able to chaperone school field trips or attend class parties. I wouldn't have loved not being able to volunteer for school picture day, or for Fiesta de Arte, or to help bring the kids from their classrooms to the first floor conference room to have their vision and hearing tested once a year.
And I wouldn't have loved not being able to visit my mom as often as we do.
I guess being an associate in new market development just isn't the right job for me.
And that's okay.
Because I already have my dream job, and unbelievably enough, it's being Amira's mom.
And right now, that's the job that has to come first.
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